It's One Reason I'm Learning to Give Grace to Myself

These health issues have got to go. I mean, yes, they are teaching me to give grace to myself... mainly in the form of having to admit "I'm just plain not up to that today". "That" being anything from scrubbing the tub to baking cookies to mopping my floor. But sometimes "that" is something even less strenuous. Like folding a load of laundry. I'm having to prioritize in ways I didn't really picture me having to prioritize. See, I figured I'd have to learn to juggle the choices of teaching more music students or mopping my kitchen twice a week, being more involved in ministry or or giving my own children a better education. You know - bigger things. But some days my energy level is such I have to acknowledge that if I fold that basketful of laundry, I'm going to be running out of steam to cook dinner. And since food for my family is more important than getting laundry folded (after all, they can pull the clean clothes they need straight out of the laundry basket if necessary - the clothes don't HAVE to be in the dresser drawer tonight) I make the choice to leave the laundry in the basket. Do I like that? No. I don't. Sometimes it drives me nuts to see the laundry sitting out, or the spots on the floor in front of the stove, but I'm making the choices I have to for where I'm at.

Whatever is causing this horrific lack of energy (some days are better than others) is also forcing me to give grace to myself in the form of taking time for ME. Which is hard for me to do. After all, I went into this marriage knowing I would instantly be a full-time homemaker and homeschool mom, and I also knew some of the challenges I would be up against with specific things the boys needed to learn a grow in (due to circumstances to complex to explain today, they'd been in an environment where they had never learned to make their own bed, sweep the floor, wash dishes, load a dishwasher, hang up their own clothes, etc, etc) I already knew before we got married that my boys learning curve would be HUGE for a good long while, and that a lot would be demanded of me just to keep up with everything. And I was really looking forward to trying to create an environment for healing, for learning, for growing. An environment where it was not only okay - but encouraged - to learn new skills, try new things, make messes, pretend, imagine, read, grow, LEARN about life in general. But because of the way I've been feeling, I haven't been able to do some of the things with them that I was really looking forward to doing with them. And some days I realize I HAVE to go sit down for a while. Drink tea. Read a book. Crochet. Listen to an audio Bible.

I'm also struggling to mentally process things. Ongoing. And that's incredibly frustrating for a homeschool mom. If you've never been there, I highly suggest you DON'T go there. And the whole mental strain/fatigue/whatever thing going on may or may not be related to the health issues. Dunno. Maybe it's two separate symptoms of stress that aren't directly related. Or maybe it is.

The only way I really know how to describe it is... it feels like my entire system is full of toxins. Why? No idea. And I can't even tell you precisely why I think that. But that's the best description I can give you.

I toyed with the idea of trying to do some type of cleansing diet, but that's totally impractical for now. I can't just put life on hold while I deal with this.

So. Today I went in for a consultation with a naturopathic doctor to see if she thought she could help me. I told her right up front that I wasn't sure if I needed a doctor or a counselor. She seems very sweet, very well-educated (in the more traditional methods of medicine, as opposed to our current pathetic trends of putting "bandaids" on symptoms and not really dealing with the root causes of the problems) and is a Christian, to boot. So far, so good. I'm supposed to go back in next Monday for a proper visit, and see what she can do to help me. Praying for God to give both me and her wisdom. :-) I'm not thrilled at the idea of spending money to try to "fix" myself (especially not when I know BB and LM need to get their eyes checked - and I'm SURE one of them, likely both - are going to need glasses) but today while PC and I were on a walk together I said "You're going to have to tell me what to do here, because I really don't want to be spending money on myself right now." There was no hesitation when he said "I want you to do this." So since my PC has been so concerned (for months) and urging me to pursue this, I'm going to.

And that's where I'm at today. Exhausted, but hopeful. :-)