It's When I See We're Making Progress

I mentioned in a previous post how BB and LM weren't used to doing, well... anything... for themselves before a year ago. Much less doing anything for anyone else. But today I just had to brag on them and how much they've grown.

Before:

Not realizing just HOW dependent they were, I remember asking one of them to sweep the kitchen floor for me one morning shortly after PC and I got married. All I got was a blank look. It wasn't a belligerent I-don't-want-to-do-it look. It was an I-have-no-idea-how-to-do-what-you-just-asked-me-to-do look. It was also a bit scared. So. We had a quick lesson in sweeping that day. Not a long one, because I was really busy that morning (which was why I had asked for some help with sweeping the floor in the first place) and the floor never got swept as well as I would have liked it, but I figured the learning aspect was far more important than a job being thoroughly done. And one of my pet peeves is people who ask someone else to do something, and then come along and re-do it later because it didn't meet with their approval. If you're in charge and a job didn't get done like you need it done, use the opportunity to teach. Don't make them feel like dirt by re-doing it yourself. And if the job can be lived with like it is, then live with it. And keep your mouth shut. I realize there are exceptions to this rule, but that's my general rule of thumb. So the floor wasn't perfect that day. But they had learned the basics of a skill they needed for life.

They also didn't know how to wash dishes. At all. As in, we had to discuss hot water, soap, dishcloths, towels, what washcloths and towels can (and cannot) be used for, and how some foods (like raw meat) can make people very sick if not properly handled.

Making beds was a complete mystery. So was organizing toys and games.

And SO many other things that would have been "normal" for me as a child - at younger ages!

We started working on simple things. One at a time. Moment by moment. And I tried to reassure them that if I asked them to do something they didn't know how to do, to come ask me to show them - and I would be happy to. We talked about how everyone needs to learn certain skills before becoming an adult. (You don't want to still be asking your mom to tie your shoes at age 35, for example.) And I told them (over and over again) that there is no shame in not knowing how to do something, but you need to have a willingness to learn, and TRY. And we talked about how some things you can be shown once, and know how to do immediately. Other things takes lots and lots of practice. And patience.

So we all kept learning. And trying. And growing. But I had to ask them (or tell them) to do certain things every day. They couldn't see things unless I pointed them out.

Like this:

Me: BB, you spilled some crumbs on the floor when you buttered your toast. (Buttering your own toast was a new skill, by the way.)

BB (looking down at the floor in surprise): I did?! Oh. *takes toast to the table and sits down to eat*

Me: You should probably clean up the crumbs before someone else steps in them and tracks them through the house.

BB: Oh! Yeah! Okay. *gets up and cleans up the crumbs*

Or this:

LM comes in the house and takes off his shoes right in front of the door and leaves them there.

Me: LM, someone might trip on your shoes if you leave them there.

LM: Oops! I forgot them. I'll go move them so no one gets hurt! *hurries off*

See what I mean? They're really REALLY good kids. I love them to pieces. But they just plain didn't see stuff. I know part of that is just "being a kid". But it was more extreme than that.

Then:

One morning as I slowly came awake, I realized I was hearing clinking noises from the kitchen. BB had woken up before me and had realized (shockingly enough) the dishwasher had clean dishes in it and needed to be put away. I was so delighted with him I nearly threw a party. I praised him up one side and down the other, told him that was a mark of maturity - to be able to see something that needed to be done, and just go do it - not wait for someone else to tell you it needed to be done. His dad clapped him on the shoulder and gave him an "I'm really proud of you, boy!" And BB just stood there and smiled and smiled and smiled.

The positive approach worked. Even better than we'd hoped! After that morning it wasn't at all unusual to wake up to clinking noises in the kitchen. And for a while he needed that extra approval - needed to be noticed, needed the affirmation. "I emptied the dishwasher, Mom." "I see that! Good for you! I appreciate the help."

But it wasn't long before he'd just do it without needing extra compliments. (Mind you, I still try to thank them for their work and efforts. No one likes NOT being appreciated - especially when you're trying to do something nice for someone. But if things get busy and I somehow miss verbally noting the fact that the dishes are put away it's not a big deal to him.)

LM wasn't going to be outdone by BB. He started taking "possession" of the kitchen floor. For some reason still unknown to me, he likes sweeping. Maybe it's that he can actually see where he's been if the food and crumbs are gone, and it gives him a satisfaction to see progress. I don't know. Either way, he started sweeping without anyone asking him to. At random intervals. If he noticed one solitary crumb under the table. Or dirt by the door.

And I was so proud of them both.

Now:

They clean up from dinner every evening. And BB usually helps with lunch clean-up too. LM is still my "kitchen floor police". BB often notices when the trash and recycling need to be taken out. LM checks the mail every day. They both hang up their clothes. They turn out lights when they notice lights on in an empty room. They offer to set the table when I have dinner almost ready. They carry the groceries and help me put things away. They put away laundry if they see it sitting (folded) on the table. And so many other things. And I'm guessing a good 75% of the things they do around here are not prompted by me or PC. They do them because they see things that need doing, and they WANT to help out.

I'm so very proud of them. Some parents might look at my list and think kids of these ages should be doing those things and more. But I see the tremendous progress we've made just in one short year, and I'm so proud of them I could cry. They're turning into such thoughtful young men.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, they still don't make their beds. I'll confess it drives me slightly nutty on some days to look in their bedroom door and see messy beds. But then I remember how far we've come, and I just smile and shrug. Bed-making can wait. It's not that important right now.