Being a stepmom is challenging. And no matter how much preparation and research you do ahead of time, some things you just have to learn as you go. And then you'll still find yourself wondering if you handled the situations right, said the right things, loved in the way that you should.
Here is the journal entry that caused this blog to be born:
It's the weirdest feeling...
To feel like absolutely everything has changed.
To be living in a different town.
To have two kids.
To have a husband.
To have a new name.
To be sharing a car with someone else.
To be a parent. And yet I'm not one. And yet I am. And yet... ah, skip it.
To be a "new mother". Except that my "babies" are 12 and 14.
To be a "homeschool mom". Except that I'm starting this homeschool mom thing with a junior-higher and high-schooler.
To not have my piano available to practice on.
To love music and yet not have much of it in my life right now. Not in any form.
To be a newlywed. With a family of four.
Sometimes I think I've lost me. Except that in some ways I have found me. So maybe it's a little of both.
Some
days I'm really struggling to keep my head above water. I'd like to be
able to play the "I'm a new mom" card. So that everyone would smilingly
nod and understand exactly why my house isn't spotless, why I'm not
dressed in career clothes, why my hair is a mess, why dinner isn't like
my mom's dinners are, why I look tired, why I'm forgetting important
things, why I don't feel good sometimes, why I sleep in when I can, or
even wish I could nap during the day. But my "babies" are 12 and 14, and
by all appearances I am apparently supposed to have this mom thing down
by now. I can't pull the "new mom" card. It's not that my baby won't
sleep through the night and that's why I'm tired. It's not that delivery
was rough and my body is taking a while to recover. If I could tell
them those things I've no doubt people would be compassionate. But I
can't - okay, I WON'T - explain what being a new stepmom is like. I
won't go into details about the relationships and how hard I'm working
to provide an environment for healing and health. I won't explain all
the reasons why I allow myself to sleep in sometimes. I won't explain
the reasons my kitchen floor needs to be mopped - and hasn't been. I
won't explain about the health issues I'm dealing with that cause me pain and make me avoid scrubbing out the tub in the bathroom. I
won't tell everyone which relationships are wonderful, and which ones
are painful - and where that pain stems from. I don't owe anyone a
explanation for any of this. And yet to hear the opinions shared on what
I "should be doing" and what I'm doing "wrong" sting me even when I try
to not let them hurt me.
I'm grateful for my husband, who never
complains if dinner is late, who tells me to let some of the housework
go - and then scrubs the tub for me when he gets home from work, who
prays for me, who holds me when I can't quite keep the emotions and
tears at bay, who demonstrates love in action every single day. And who
gives me the space to be who I really am, even in the process of me
figuring out the difference between who I was and who I want to be in
the future. And loves me in the middle of my muddles.
I'm
grateful for my parents and siblings, who volunteer to keep the boys for a few hours
so I can go grocery shopping without kids along, who pray for me, who
invite us over to dinner, who help with dishes when they're at our
house, and who make me laugh.
I'm grateful for my boys, who
voluntarily help with housework, who don't backtalk, who give tight
hugs, who tell me they love me, who have been through SO many changes
themselves in the last year, and are such good sports.
I'm
grateful for my friends, who send me cards in the mail, who send random
gifts that make me smile - and cry, who Facebook message or email me
just to see how I'm doing, who don't get offended when I don't respond
for a few days - or weeks, who encourage me when I'm down, who share the
laughs and the jokes, who inspire and encourage me with my home
business ventures, who share crockpot recipes, who drive long distances
just to come see me even when they know I don't generally have the car
available and probably won't be able to return the visit any time soon.
I'm
grateful for the way God continues to show He loves me and He cares and
He sees and He understands and He will enable me to face each challenge
as it comes along.
I've got it made. Really. I am SO very blessed.
But it still is the weirdest feeling.
It's not always comfortable.
But it's where I'm at.
And I am happy with where God has me.
I see Him working. I see Him growing me. I see Him healing people I love. I see His hand in our lives.
That makes it a great place to be. Even when it's not comfortable. Even when it's a weird feeling.
I'll tell you this... I'm learning an awful lot about grace. And faith.
And
if you don't like the journey God has me on - or how I'm traveling -
well, that's okay I guess. I just hope you're happy in the journey God
has YOU on. And I hope that we can both be compassionate and full of
grace for each other - even when we don't understand each other, or our
respective journeys. 'Cause I'm sure you have your own weirdest
feelings. And I may not understand yours any better than you understand
mine. But I have a hunch we could learn from each other.
