It's Like a Breath of Fresh Air

...when someone is honest with you about the good, the bad, and even the ugly about life. Or, more accurately, those things from their view. 'Cause not all of us find the same things good, or ugly. But I found an article online today that I found myself saying "Yes! Someone else who sees life that way!" and "Really? Someone else thinks that, too?" and "Wow! It's about time someone was brave enough to say that out loud."

I seriously think this is the best thing I've read about being a mother in the whole of last year. Maybe ever. And that's saying something, considering how much I read. 

My favorite quote:

"Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest."

But the whole thing is really that good. If you want to read it, too, go here. 

And if you want to read my second favorite article on motherhood (okay, more specifically, homeschool-mom-hood), go here.

It's Alarming - Part Two

Biomom called them around Christmas, said she planned to leave the country she's been living in for the past two years, and move back to the states. I don't know if that means she's divorcing her current husband, or what. I mean, it's not normal for couples to live in separate countries for long periods of time, ya know? Not when they have the option of being together. I could understand couples not being together if the guy was, say a ship's captain, and it wasn't feasible to take his whole family along. But seriously? She's BEEN living over there, and they don't have children living with them. (Apparently he is as wonderful a dad as she is a mom, because his kids don't live with him either. *ahem*)

The reason she gave BB and LM that she was moving was "I miss you two so much!" But... oddly enough... she has moved halfway across the US from them. Yeah, that's how much she misses them. (And yes, she called again last week - for the whole five minutes she ever calls - to let them know what state she is now living in.) Oh, yeah, and... she's living with her sister. But she does apparently have a job at a bank now. Wonder how long this one will last.

Yes, I have an attitude tonight. A bad one.

I'd like to take her back to court. See if we could get all her visitation rights taken away. But since we don't have documentation for things (like the time she locked them in the apartment every day for a week while she was at work - at ages 8 and 10, and the time she said she wanted them for two weeks - and had them back at the house in a couple days, and the time she said she wanted them for a couple days - and had them back at the house in a couple hours, and the times she's let them watch videos that no child should ever see, among many other things) I don't know that we'd get very far. And I definitely don't want to open up a can of worms. If ignoring her stupidity is the best route to protect the kids for now, well... then I'll keep my mouth shut about those things.

The incredibly sad part is... LM is ecstatic that she "wants them for the summer". He keeps going on and on about how it's been two years since he's seen her, and how great it's going to be to see her again, and how when he first sees her he'll probably just burst into tears and give her a huge hug. It breaks my heart. Horrid though she is, terrible mother though she is, she is STILL his MOM. And he loves her. BB is very hum-ho about the whole thing. He's been talking more about friends that he might get to see this summer, not so much anything to do with her. He's very calm (at least on the surface) about this stuff. I think he's seen her flake out so many times that he's refusing to get his hopes up again.

I find myself wondering how much proof we would need of things happening to get all her rights taken away. And then I catch myself, and wonder if that really WOULD be best for the kids. I really don't know.

Praying, praying, praying...

It's Alarming - Part One

Tonight at dinner LM started a conversation with "we have some good memories with mom. And some not so great ones."

Me: Yeah?

LM: Yeah. There was this one guy "N" she was with for a while. He was probably the most awful person I've ever met.

BB: Stop talking about him. I'm still eating.

(By the way, that's his favorite thing to say when he wants the subject to change - whatever the subject is. And since he's constantly eating these days... well....)

Me: It's okay. He can talk about it if he likes.

LM: N was always yelling and shouting.

Me: Did he yell at everyone or just you two?

LM (with a shrug): Sometimes it was everyone. One time he threw a cell phone at mom.

*pause*

LM: One time he grabbed my arm so hard he left a bruise. And another time he threw me off the boat into the water.

Me: Threw you into the water?

LM: Yeah. I didn't know how to swim, but he threw me in anyway. Thankfully I did have on a life-jacket.

Me: Did you panic?

LM: Yeah.

Me: I would've too.

BB: That's how I learned to swim. Off the boat.

LM: Sometimes I wanted to take a baseball bat to his head.

BB: More like a knife. In the dark.

Me: If someone ever treats you that way again, please tell your dad and me. You do not have to go places where someone treats you that way. That's called abuse. If your mom wants to see you and she's with someone like that, you don't have to go. If you want to see your mom, then she can take you to the beach or something - somewhere NOT with that person.

LM: We haven't seen her since Christmas 2010. We were supposed to see her one more time before she left the country, but I guess her plans changed.

*pause*

LM: I'm looking forward to summer [when she said she wants us to visit her] but I'm not looking forward to the food.

Me: Oh yeah? Why's that?

LM: I guess she doesn't know how to cook or something because it's all kinds of store-bought food.

BB: Sometimes we go out to eat though.

LM: Yeah.

Later while BB and I were cleaning up from dinner:

Me: BB, is talking about painful, hurtful or hard things (like N) difficult for you?

BB: Yeah.

Me: Why is that?

BB: *shrug*

Me: Is it because you're not sure how to put words to your opinions and thoughts?... or because you're not sure how someone will react?...

BB: Both.

Me: Well, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything and I won't flip out at you.

BB: (with a grin): Even if I jump off the second floor? [Referring to an episode from when he was about 5 yrs old.]

Me (grinning back): I can promise you I WILL flip out if you jump off the second floor. But... you can talk to me about anything. I want you to know that. Okay?

BB: Okay. Hey, look! Dad's home.

I think I need to start documenting. Everything. I wish PC had been documenting for the last 10 years. But he hasn't. And I guess it's better to start now than not at all. This whole week I kept feeling this overwhelming urge that I needed to start documenting. I don't know of any specific reason why I should. But if God is prompting me to, then there must be a reason. And after the alarming conversation tonight... yeah, that kind of clinched it.

And while the topic made me feel sick tonight, I did see it as progress. At least LM was talking. And opening up. And saying what he really thought. I'm pretty sure that part was a good thing.

It's Exasperating

In my world today... Uhhhh.... I think there cannot be anything more frustrating than teen boys. What is UP with a certain one this week? Seriously! You'd think he was PMSing or something. The conversation just now was a repeated one from... uhhh... well, several times throughout the last number of months - both with me AND with his dad... about taking a shower. And using a washcloth. You'd think that using a washcloth would kind of be a DUH thing, but apparently not. Both PC and I have explained (and re-explained and re-explained and... you get the picture) that washcloths are necessary for scrubbing dirt off - both when washing dishes and washing bodies - but he apparently still wants to argue. Yay. Well, at least I know why our towels are getting stained. *sigh*

Is there a sure-fire way of pounding sense into one stubborn teen's head?

I'm so tired of arguing with him over stupid things. It feels like the entire last two weeks have been nothing but him wanting to complain and argue. About everything.

Speaking of which, I never told you about the school assignment he just randomly decided he didn't want to do. And so didn't. Yeah, I wasn't happy. And neither was PC. But that's a long enough story for another day.

It's Like Juggling

Wait. LIKE juggling? It IS juggling. And so much more than I used to juggle.

Wait. Maybe not more. Maybe just different.

And my head is already spinning with thinking something. And then waiting. And then trying to reword it.

I told PC earlier today that I'm not really sure what happened to all my management and administration skills. I used to have them. In fact, I use to be pretty good at what I did. I could juggle all sorts of projects and deadlines and schedules and people and... then something happened. I'm not sure what. But right now, I think I have about three dozen balls up in the air. And only two hands. And in those hands are a mug of coffee and a bar of chocolate. And I'm not planning to let go of either. Just so you know.

Chocolate is a no-no on my current diet. But I will freely confess to cheating a few times. I've also cheated by putting a dribble of milk and a bit of sugar in my coffee. And that's a no-no, too. But I just can't drink coffee black. And right now, coffee and chocolate are two very small things that seem to be helping me keep sane. Sooo... I'm not giving them up. Don't be judgin' me now. I'm pretty sure every stepmom out there will be heartily on my side. See, it's such small things that make me feel sane. If only for a moment. But somehow those small moments help me tackle the rest of it. And that is only partially tongue in cheek. There's more truth there than even I would like to admit.

I had intended to write more tonight. Something more... revealing. Serious. To the point. But it's late. And my brain has already gone to sleep. So I'm leaving this pathetic post as it stands, and going to bed. 'Cause it's where I am should be right now. And I guess you should know about the disconnected, discombobulated, pathetic ramblings in my head as well as the stuff the makes more sense. G'night!

It's Hilarious How They Get You Sometimes

Discussion about math during our walk today:

BB: I don't understand how two negatives make a positive.

Me (floundering for an accurate description that will make sense to him): Well, if you negative the negative... you undo the negative.

LM (with an evil twinkle in his eye): So if some one does you wrong, then if you do them wrong it all becomes right!

Me: Uh, no. God's laws aren't quite the same as math laws.

LM (with an even more evil twinkle in his eye): So you're wanting us to go against God's laws by making us do math!

8-o

Uhh... how AM I suppose to respond to that anyhow? ROFL!

I think he's destined to be a lawyer.