It's NOT What I Want to Hear - Ever

There are certain things I've been hearing repeatedly (yes, that means over and over and over again) that are frustrating at best, anger-inducing at worst, but almost all of them have made me cry at one time or other. If you want to be more considerate and thoughtful of the stepmoms you know, I highly recommend you start by taking this list to heart, and never NEVER say these things - regardless of your good intentions behind them. So here you are - 9 things to NOT say to a stepmom:

1) "You knew what you were in for when you got married" - Yes, yes, I certainly did. But that doesn't mean that I never need a friend to talk to. It doesn't mean that I don't need to honestly face the situations I'm presented with on a daily basis. It doesn't mean that I'm thrilled with everything going on - even if I DID choose to live this life. And it's no different than someone who takes a stressful job and then needs to talk it through with a friend. Telling someone "You knew what you were in for when you took that job" isn't exactly helpful. Yes, they chose the job. They're may even be glad they chose the job. But that doesn't mean they don't need to brainstorm for solutions to problems. It's no different than someone who is pregnant and needs to talk to a more experienced mom about the woes in pregnancy. Telling her "you knew what you were in for when you got pregnant" isn't exactly encouraging. What she needs is someone to come along side and say "Yes, I know it's rough, but I got through this and you can too. Here are a couple things that helped me." 

But saying that a stepmom knew what she was in for is not only rude - it's ridiculous. You CAN know the road ahead is going to be rough (like that stressful job you took). You CAN know you're likely to feel sick for months on end (like that pregnant woman). You CAN research and ask questions and gather as much info as possible in advance. You CAN have a good idea of what you're walking into. But you can't know everything. And regardless of how much you knew in advance, sometimes you just need a friend to put their arms around you and say "I'm sorry you're hurting." And leave it there.

2) "Are you two going to have your own children?" - Number one: it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Number two: these ARE my own children thankyouverymuch. Children come to people a number of different ways. Biologically is only one of many ways. And it only shows your own ignorance to insinuate otherwise.

3) "Sounds like a great way to have kids!" - Really? Then why don't YOU try a "pregnancy" much longer than nine months, with major complications and stress. Why don't YOU adopt or otherwise acquire children in their teens. And then you can tell me all about how easy and great it's been.

4) "His wife is/does/isn't/doesn't...." - Um, that would be his EX-wife. And I really don't care a snit what she is/does/isn't/doesn't. There's a reason she's no longer his wife. And I'd like to forget she even exists, as much as possible.

5) "Well, at least you don't have to worry about how they turn out since they’re not your kids." -Yes, I DO have to worry about that. God entrusted them to my care, and for as long as He allows me to have them, I must do the very best job I can in training them and teaching them and loving them. It's no different than with your bio-kids: I can't claim the success if they turn out great, and I can't claim the failure if they turn out with mega-issues. All I can do is the best I can do, and pray, and love, and teach, and try to give them the tools they'll need for life. The rest is between them and God.

6) "You'll understand that better when you have your own kids someday." - Here we are again on the same merry-go-round. Firstly, they ARE my own kids. Secondly, if you tell me that I'll understand love better when I have my own kids... well, you better be telling me your own story of how you love your bio-kids more than you love your stepchildren, otherwise, you have no business talking about comparisons. On second thought, DON'T tell me that. It would make me incredibly sad for the stepchildren in your care. You can tell me about how much you love your child. You tell me you don't think you're a strong enough woman to care for stepchildren. But don't tell me about something you've never experienced. The only people who can accurately make comparisons like that are people who LIVE IN THAT SITUATION. Tell you what... since we have another little one on way, I can let you know next year if I love my bio-child more than I love BB and LM. 'Cause next year I'll be the one in that position. 

7) "It must really stink to parent somebody else’s kids." - Yes. Sometimes it does. Namely when I have to pick up the pieces (again) after their bio-mom pulls another stupid stunt (again) and breaks another promise (again) and smashes their heart (again). Or when I have to deal with behavior issues that have been propagated by immature and irresponsible adults in their lives. But there are also some incredibly wonderfully things about being a stepparent that you can never understand or see happen unless God chooses to let you experience that. And I much prefer to focus on those things. 

8) "You need to get a handle on that behavior" or "They're just being kids" - You are not their parent. Nor do you understand all the ins and outs of why we are handling some things or (seemingly) letting others go. Please trust that we're doing the best we can. If you're concerned about something, pray for us as parents that we would handle things in a way that would be pleasing to God, and pray for the kids that they will respond in appropriate ways.

9) "When I see what you've gone through it makes me determined to never marry a man with children." - The way I see it right now, I only have two options on how to answer this. A) "Um. Wow. I'm flattered that you think so highly of me and my family." Or B) "I'm sorry you don't think you're as strong a woman as I am." And since neither of those answers seem particularly polite (never mind that the original statement wasn't - I'm not going to lower myself to this level) I'm forced to keep my mouth shut and not tell you what I really think of you and your statements. The fact is, I thank God every single day for bringing this man into my life. He completes me in ways I didn't even realize I was lacking. I LOVE being married to him. It's not always easy, but then, no one's life is always easy. We all have rainy days along with the sunshiny ones. But I'm still incredulous at how wonderful it is to wake up next to my best friend every morning. And so very, very thankful that he asked me to share this journey with him. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If you've said these things to me, I'm not going to tell you "it's okay". But I do forgive you. These things hurt. They make me angry. They make me sad. They make me cry. The responses I'm giving here are the things I wish I could say to someone's face. But I can't. My hope is that by posting these here (in the blunt and rude response that goes through my head when I hear them), that I can save a few other stepmoms from having to deal with them. Maybe by giving an honest view of what it looks like and feels like from where I am will help you understand a little more of what stepmoms go through on a daily basis.  I wish I could tell you how often I hear these things. But if I try to estimate you'd likely just assume I was exaggerating. Unless of course you ARE a fellow stepmom. In which case you'd know I'm not exaggerating, because you're living this life, too.  

And lest you think I've gone all hormonal and rude on you, I plan to follow up with a list things TO say to stepmoms. Things a few very precious people have said to me that made my load lighter and my heart happy and encouraged.

It's a Big Smile

Totally just had my day made. 

I'm sitting here on the couch checking my email and a few online haunts, when LM comes and plops down beside me. He put his head and my shoulder and curls up in a ball with this little smile on his face. But what he said blew me away, and put a big smile on MY face.

"I'm getting kind of excited about having a younger sibling." 

I asked him to repeat what he'd said. Just because I wanted to hear it again. ;-)

It's Researching & Prayerful

It's been surprising (in a nice way) to realize that God has completely stepped in where the fear in this pregnancy is concerned. Oh, there have been a few really rough and scary days. But on the whole, I've had FAR less fear to deal with than I knew was possible for someone who miscarried their first baby. I have had many, many friends tell me they have been especially praying for me and our baby, and I can tell such an enormous amount of strength and grace and love has been poured into my life as a result of their prayers. I have moments of concern, but overall not debilitating fear.

However... I do have extreme amounts of fear where labor and delivery are concerned. I could use the word "terror" and I don't think I'd be far off. I won't go into all the reasons why. Suffice it to say that horror stories combined with my own miscarriage experience have quadrupled an already existing fear. 

I am attempting to do mass amounts of research on natural birthing experiences and asking close friends for their own (happy!!) birth stories. Currently reading an Ina May book and a couple of others.

I'm specifically making this a matter of prayer. I'm asking God to take the fear away, to help me relax and remember that He created my body to do this, and that I CAN do this - in His strength.

It's Changing - FAST

Wow. So much has changed in the last few weeks (okay, months), it's hard to know where to start blogging. I guess I'll just give the nutshell version for now, and fill in as I can later perhaps.

First off, the biggest news... I'm pregnant. I'm about 11 weeks or so along now (due date is April 22) and everything seems to be going well. Our midwife seems pleased with all the numbers from the bloodwork, and although I haven't been able to hear a heartbeat or feel Little Bean move yet, this pregnancy seems different somehow - better. I have been HORRIDLY sick with this one. Whoever called it "morning sickness" needs to be shot. ;-) It's more like all-day sickness. And it seems to typically get far worse around the time when I need to be fixing dinner, which is highly inconvenient. Just within the last week though it has started easing up some. I'm grateful. It was really draining. Still not feeling terrific, but decidedly better than three weeks ago. 

Not that anyone but me would even notice this, but... the fact that my due date is the day after I miscarried our first is kind of weirding me out. But who knows?... maybe I'll end up having the baby on the 21st, and have reason to not hate the day so. 

The boys seem to be doing really well with it. PC and I could tell there was some apprehension at first, but we're trying to be really open with communication and assure them that their own space and toys and artwork will be guarded. LM got tears in his eyes at one point and said something about "it would take a lot of adjustment." We agreed that yes, it would, because any time you add a member to the family there is a lot of adjusting for everyone. But not all adjusting is bad. And I reminded them that all four of us have been through HUGE adjustments in the last year and a half. Because of a younger cousin that is totally out of control, they have a very bad taste in their mouth about young children. We've tried to assure them that Little Bean will NOT be allowed to just take over their things - that it's good to share when possible - but that simply by reason of the age differences, there will many, many things they are allowed to do that Little Bean will not. I reminded them of a little gal in our church (a younger sister of LM's best friend) who is very sweet and quiet and plays well with her older siblings (and their friends) and reminded them that how a child turns out is largely due to how parents raise them. If they are allowed to throw fits and get their own way in everything, then yes, they will be a brat. But I asked them if they thought THEY were brats when they were little, and they said probably not usually. I reminded them that their dad had been a good parent and not allowed them to throw fits and such, and wouldn't do that with the new little one. They nodded, and it seemed to reassure them somewhat. Since that conversation I've been picking up a growing excitement from them. And we've had other good discussions about how they will likely end up being heroes to Little Bean, or at the very least, be totally cool, and Little Bean will likely try to copy them and follow them and want to do everything they do. Because of the huge age difference that won't always be possible, but I told them that often we'll be able to find alternatives for Little Bean. For instance, if BB is doing his artwork and Little Bean tries to come "help" him, we can give Little Bean crayons and paper of his/her own. That way, he/she will still be near big brother, and feel included, but won't be messing up his work. They sort of chuckled at that, but I think it helped. I hope it helped.

I'm struggling with fear over bonding with this baby. I WANT to love it. I WANT to be able to enjoy being pregnant. I WANT to have fun picking out little clothes and setting up the nursery. But I'm afraid. After dealing with so much loss this year, I'm afraid to let myself get attached to something so small and helpless, I guess.  I'm working on that. As a friend reminded me, this baby deserves to be loved with my whole heart, for whatever length of time God gives him/her to us.

PC had the opportunity to get more training at his job last week. This new training will qualify him for a different position that will pay a little more, and one of the supervisors encouraged him to get this training because they said he's pretty much guaranteed a promotion as soon as one of those positions becomes available. With the baby coming it would be lovely to have a little extra coming in each month. Praying about that. 

For now, we're planning on using the midwives at a birthing center nearby. I'm completely terrified at the thought of giving birth in a hospital. Partly because of my miscarriage experience, and partly because I think they would force me into a position where a c-section would be necessary. Even if for no other reason than that they won't allow you to eat anything in the hospital when you're in there for labor and delivery. At the birthing center I can eat whenever (and whatever) I want. And for someone like me who struggles with low blood sugar issues anyhow, that's a really big issue. I do NOT want a c-section. And if I haven't been allowed to eat for hours and hours, there is no possible way I would be able to push a baby out. Period. I want to give myself and our baby the best chance for having a natural birthing experience. 

I've done a fair bit of research regarding this particular birthing center and have yet to talk to a single person who has used them that had even one small negative comment to make. Everyone I have spoken to regarding the midwives and the center itself has had nothing but good things to say about them. And so far, I REALLY everything I'm seeing there. The midwives have been really really good to me.