I just couldn't keep up with this blog after Baby was born. What with months of colic, almost NO sleep for the first year and a half (no, I am not exaggerating - I really don't know how I'm still alive), and oh SO much teen boy drama, lack of logic, etc... well, by the time all three kiddos were asleep in bed each night there was nothing, and I mean NOTHING left of me. Not even enough to type out my thoughts. But tonight I typed out a nutshell version of the last (almost) two years that I've been MIA. It was in the form of a reply to an anonymous person who commented on a blog I follow. And rather than re-type it all, I'm going to do the lazy thing, and just copy and paste it here.
- Dear Eleanor,
First off, I love your name.
Second, I know your comment here is from quite a while back, but I had to reply. I identify with WAY more of your post/comment than I wish I did. After my baby girl was born I took a walk one day by the canal, and suddenly thought “I could just throw myself in.” And since I can’t swim, well, you know. It scared me. It scared me worse than anything has ever scared me before. I already knew I was in a dark place. A very dark place. But I didn’t realize it was THAT dark until that very moment. I tried to get help. I went to see a counselor. But the one meeting was such a bad experience that I was afraid to try again. So I just talked to my mom, my hubby, and my best friend. That was it. To everyone else, I just kept trying to smile and keep going like I always had. It wasn’t just the birth of my baby that put me in the place. It was the accumulation of so many, many things. Getting married and becoming a mom to two (almost) teen boys in the same day, realizing said teen boys were basically toddlers that I would have to teach and train and try to do the best I could in a few short years to make them MEN so that they could function on their own, the miscarriage of our first child, the death of my little Nana six weeks later, my husband being unemployed more than employed during the first 3 years of marriage, my father having a surgery that should have been not such a big deal and almost dying because the doctors put him on pain meds he was HORRIBLY allergic to, my brother having serious health issues, and more – but this list is getting ridiculously long. But when I spell it all out, it makes me think maybe I have a right to feel more than a bit crazy. It makes me think maybe I have reason to feel discouraged, beat up, alone, and depressed.
In any case, for right now at this moment… hubby is unemployed. Again. And we just recently found out I am pregnant. Again. (SURPRISE!!) I am less than thrilled. And I’ve been feeling ever so guilty, because I never want a child of mine to feel unwanted. I hope my feelings change as the pregnancy goes on. But I’m scared. And overwhelmed. And while things feel very dark right now, I don’t ever, ever, EVER, want to get back to THAT dark place. So. I have an appointment set up for next week to go talk to a maternal mental health counselor. Here’s hoping she can help me ward off the scary dark places and get back to where it’s light and peaceful. Even if everything isn’t perfect.
