1) "I'm bringing dinner for your family tonight" - Okay, honestly, I've yet to hear this one in precisely those words. But the idea has been there. I have had several people bring over food that helped during times I was overwhelmed. One (former client from my music studio teaching days) brought over a ready-made casserole in a dish I could keep (she said it was a late wedding present), and included a stack of recipe cards of some of her family's favorite dishes (including the recipe for the casserole she'd brought us). Having tried and true recipes (especially the budget-minded ones) was lovely. I also had a friend give us I'm-not-sure-how-many-pounds of apples last fall, which was absolutely wonderful both for eating right then, and for making applesauce that helped provide fruit during a tight winter. Another friend brought over pounds of pears, made pear butter/sauce with me, and then left the full jars with me to use for my family.
I realize this particular point may not be understood by some people. After all, we'd all like someone to provide us with a dinner we didn't have to make ourselves. But the reason this means so much to stepmoms (or at least to this stepmom) is that being a new mom is challenging no matter the circumstances are. It seems to be customary to take dinner and food to a new mom who is just home from the hospital, but what many people don't seem to realize is, no matter what way your children arrive (and no matter what ages they are when they arrive) being a new mom can be rough. You're exhausted, you're physically drained, you're mentally fatigued. And maybe this one applies only to full-time stepmoms (I wouldn't know about the other kind) but bringing food/dinner over to lighten a stepmom's load is a huge blessing for her.
2) "I'll keep the kids for a couple hours while you grocery shop or go grab a coffee or... whatever!" - First off, having someone volunteer to keep the kids for any length of time is almost my idea of heaven. Much as I love my kids, time to be by myself is rare. Being given the chance to get away for a couple hours is sometimes a lifeline. But secondly, being given a guilt-free-card along with the offer of childcare is priceless. Sometimes having the space of time to get a coffee and just SIT - without any distractions, questions, bickering, complaining, chatter, etc - is wonderful. Other times, just being able to get groceries without having to drag everyone along and slow me down is a wonderful break. And while I appreciate the offers of specific help ("I'll keep the kids while you go to that meeting") offers of childcare without any qualifiers are especially meaningful, since no one but a stepmom knows what her biggest need at that moment is.
One other related statement (which I could almost make into its own point) is an offer to keep the kids while PC and I have some couple time. This one is a rare gift. One, because it's hard to coordinate any sort of couple time to begin with in a step-family, and two, because people usually have their own schedules and activities that prevent them from helping with this one even when they'd like to. One of my favorite times along this line was an afternoon when a pastor friend called me up while PC was at work, said he needed help raking some leaves in his yard and wanted to borrow my boys. The clincher was the follow-up of "If it's okay, I'd like to take them out to pizza when we're done working and then keep them for a couple more hours so you and PC can have some time just the two of you." I'm pretty sure my jaw nearly landed on the floor. I called PC at work and asked him if there was any chance we could squeeze dinner out for two into our budget (after all, we don't get this opportunity hardly EVER). I was nearly giddy waiting for him to get home from work that evening.
3) "You are a wonderful mother, and it's obvious the kids are thriving with you" - I nearly cry every time I hear this. And I actually do hear this one fairly often. There are some precious people God has placed in my life that continually encourage me with statements of how much growth and healing they are seeing in the boys' lives, and how they enjoy seeing my interaction with them. I am only too aware of all the ways I fail. I am only too aware of the times I really blow it with the kids. It's easy to get discouraged when you don't see the progress you'd like to see in a step-family as a whole, or in a child in particular. Hearing words of affirmation that you're doing a great job at being a mother is priceless. Not only is it an acknowledgement that you are indeed a mother, but it's heartwarming to realize someone has noticed your efforts and hard work at raising strong and godly kids.
4)
"You saw this one coming" - Yes, this is eerily close to "You knew what you were in for when you got married" from the list of things NOT to say to a stepmom. Let me explain. I have had two different people say this to me in a way that was encouraging - not hurtful. These two people heard me out on a tough day, and (in a very kind way) reminded me that I DID see this one coming, that I HAD prepared for this situation, that God WAS going to get me through these circumstances. They said it in an empowering kind of way. A way that reminded me this was not a surprise and I was not just at the mercy of the chaos. A way that steadied my feet and my emotions. A way that gave me the quietness to just be still and think back to what I had already planned for, for this very situation. A way that reminded me to stop panicking - and to pray for wisdom.
5) "Do you think you two will have any more children, or is your plate full enough right now?" - This one should ONLY be said by close family and friends who know they have the right to ask this. If you don't know whether or not you're on a stepmom's closest friends list, better to err by NOT asking this. On the other hand, if you know you are one of her closest friends, and she won't mind the personal question, this question is great for three reasons: it acknowledges this is a decision that the two of them as a couple will make and no other influence/opinions/ideas are needed, it acknowledges that she is indeed already a mother, and it acknowledges that she is indeed already a BUSY mother. Granted, this could be said in a tone of voice that implies they'd be stupid to even consider having more children, but if you are close enough to ask this question, I'll trust you actually care enough about them as a couple to not insinuate anything hurtful.
6) "I'd like to come by and clean your bathroom for you" - Seriously one of the most precious gifts I was given this year. Just after my miscarriage I had a friend who offered this. I had mentioned to her how recovery was going physically for me, and how frustrated I was by a dirty house, and by the lack of energy (and the level of pain still involved) that was preventing me from tackling the heavier household chores. I wasn't asking for help. We were just chatting about life as women/mothers with all that entails. She called me back a short time later with this offer, and I nearly cried. I was humiliated to let someone else see the condition of our bathroom, but I was too worn down (physically and emotionally) to say "no". And was SO grateful for the help.
7) "I'm praying for all of you" - The number one thing a stepmom loves to hear. Even when you don't know all the needs and struggles going on, even when she can't talk to anyone about them, God sees them. And He can give wisdom and strength and help even when the needs themselves are hard to put into words.
8) "I'm sorry it's so hard right now" - Sometimes there isn't anything tangible you can do to help. But a hug and a simple "I'm sorry it's so hard right now" goes a long ways toward letting a stepmom know she's not invisible and she hasn't been forgotten. Sometimes stepmoms don't need anyone to do anything or say anything, they just need to know they are loved and they have a friend who cares.
9) "I'm so proud of you!" - Really? I'm not. So it's wonderful to hear that someone IS proud of me. I see all the ways I want to be a better wife and mom in this new family unit we're creating, I see all the ways I fail. But if you can tell me even one way you are proud of me, you make my heart dance for a week or longer.
Because I wrote this list as "things to say to a stepmom", it leaves out a couple of things you can DO for stepmoms. But I think they're worth mentioning, so I'm adding them here...
Becoming a full-time stepmom (as in, we have custody - not just visitation rights) is not only exhausting - it's incredibly lonely at times. I went from being a single career gal to a full-time stay-at-home mom pretty much overnight. That's a huge lifestyle change on TOP of getting married and instantly having two children. One of my good friends (who is long distance from me) sent me cards nearly every week for months on end, just to let me know she was thinking of me, praying for me/us, and wanted to encourage me that God was big enough to handle anything that week threw at me. I can't tell you how much those cards meant to me. I saved every single one of them. I re-read them on the bad days, the days where tears out-weighed the laughter. And two different times, she not only sent a card, she sent a box of things. For me. For only me. Things to make the hard days a bit easier. The box(es) had things like chocolate (in large amounts), candies, bubble stuff (to de-stress), a card with verses about God being our strength, and other things. On the really rough days, I would sneak off to my room, cry my eyes out, pray for wisdom, eat a piece of chocolate from my box (okay, there were days I ate two or three at a time), and remember I had a friend who cared about me and was praying for me. It was comforting and reassuring that I was not alone. Not only did I have a good friend who cared, but I had a God who would see me through.
Another amazing gift I was given was a chest freezer. Yes, really. I'm still not quite certain how this friend knew I needed one. I think I had mentioned in passing that some day I'd like to get one. But I don't even think I said something directly to her. Maybe I mentioned it on a forum we're both on?? or to her mom?? In any case, she heard my need loud and clear, and had a freezer delivered (a huge shock to me when the delivery truck showed up - let me tell you!) to our house. The point is, most of the time stepmoms aren't going to ask for help, or shout their needs from a rooftop. If you're reaching out to a stepmom, if you really want to bless her, pay attention when she's chatting about her family. Watch for things she says in passing that you can turn into an opportunity to express love and support.
On looking over this post it strikes me that most of these things aren't specific to stepmoms. Most of these things are just things we should be doing for each other no matter who we are. Because God called us to love each other.
