It's NOT What I Want to Hear - Ever

There are certain things I've been hearing repeatedly (yes, that means over and over and over again) that are frustrating at best, anger-inducing at worst, but almost all of them have made me cry at one time or other. If you want to be more considerate and thoughtful of the stepmoms you know, I highly recommend you start by taking this list to heart, and never NEVER say these things - regardless of your good intentions behind them. So here you are - 9 things to NOT say to a stepmom:

1) "You knew what you were in for when you got married" - Yes, yes, I certainly did. But that doesn't mean that I never need a friend to talk to. It doesn't mean that I don't need to honestly face the situations I'm presented with on a daily basis. It doesn't mean that I'm thrilled with everything going on - even if I DID choose to live this life. And it's no different than someone who takes a stressful job and then needs to talk it through with a friend. Telling someone "You knew what you were in for when you took that job" isn't exactly helpful. Yes, they chose the job. They're may even be glad they chose the job. But that doesn't mean they don't need to brainstorm for solutions to problems. It's no different than someone who is pregnant and needs to talk to a more experienced mom about the woes in pregnancy. Telling her "you knew what you were in for when you got pregnant" isn't exactly encouraging. What she needs is someone to come along side and say "Yes, I know it's rough, but I got through this and you can too. Here are a couple things that helped me." 

But saying that a stepmom knew what she was in for is not only rude - it's ridiculous. You CAN know the road ahead is going to be rough (like that stressful job you took). You CAN know you're likely to feel sick for months on end (like that pregnant woman). You CAN research and ask questions and gather as much info as possible in advance. You CAN have a good idea of what you're walking into. But you can't know everything. And regardless of how much you knew in advance, sometimes you just need a friend to put their arms around you and say "I'm sorry you're hurting." And leave it there.

2) "Are you two going to have your own children?" - Number one: it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Number two: these ARE my own children thankyouverymuch. Children come to people a number of different ways. Biologically is only one of many ways. And it only shows your own ignorance to insinuate otherwise.

3) "Sounds like a great way to have kids!" - Really? Then why don't YOU try a "pregnancy" much longer than nine months, with major complications and stress. Why don't YOU adopt or otherwise acquire children in their teens. And then you can tell me all about how easy and great it's been.

4) "His wife is/does/isn't/doesn't...." - Um, that would be his EX-wife. And I really don't care a snit what she is/does/isn't/doesn't. There's a reason she's no longer his wife. And I'd like to forget she even exists, as much as possible.

5) "Well, at least you don't have to worry about how they turn out since they’re not your kids." -Yes, I DO have to worry about that. God entrusted them to my care, and for as long as He allows me to have them, I must do the very best job I can in training them and teaching them and loving them. It's no different than with your bio-kids: I can't claim the success if they turn out great, and I can't claim the failure if they turn out with mega-issues. All I can do is the best I can do, and pray, and love, and teach, and try to give them the tools they'll need for life. The rest is between them and God.

6) "You'll understand that better when you have your own kids someday." - Here we are again on the same merry-go-round. Firstly, they ARE my own kids. Secondly, if you tell me that I'll understand love better when I have my own kids... well, you better be telling me your own story of how you love your bio-kids more than you love your stepchildren, otherwise, you have no business talking about comparisons. On second thought, DON'T tell me that. It would make me incredibly sad for the stepchildren in your care. You can tell me about how much you love your child. You tell me you don't think you're a strong enough woman to care for stepchildren. But don't tell me about something you've never experienced. The only people who can accurately make comparisons like that are people who LIVE IN THAT SITUATION. Tell you what... since we have another little one on way, I can let you know next year if I love my bio-child more than I love BB and LM. 'Cause next year I'll be the one in that position. 

7) "It must really stink to parent somebody else’s kids." - Yes. Sometimes it does. Namely when I have to pick up the pieces (again) after their bio-mom pulls another stupid stunt (again) and breaks another promise (again) and smashes their heart (again). Or when I have to deal with behavior issues that have been propagated by immature and irresponsible adults in their lives. But there are also some incredibly wonderfully things about being a stepparent that you can never understand or see happen unless God chooses to let you experience that. And I much prefer to focus on those things. 

8) "You need to get a handle on that behavior" or "They're just being kids" - You are not their parent. Nor do you understand all the ins and outs of why we are handling some things or (seemingly) letting others go. Please trust that we're doing the best we can. If you're concerned about something, pray for us as parents that we would handle things in a way that would be pleasing to God, and pray for the kids that they will respond in appropriate ways.

9) "When I see what you've gone through it makes me determined to never marry a man with children." - The way I see it right now, I only have two options on how to answer this. A) "Um. Wow. I'm flattered that you think so highly of me and my family." Or B) "I'm sorry you don't think you're as strong a woman as I am." And since neither of those answers seem particularly polite (never mind that the original statement wasn't - I'm not going to lower myself to this level) I'm forced to keep my mouth shut and not tell you what I really think of you and your statements. The fact is, I thank God every single day for bringing this man into my life. He completes me in ways I didn't even realize I was lacking. I LOVE being married to him. It's not always easy, but then, no one's life is always easy. We all have rainy days along with the sunshiny ones. But I'm still incredulous at how wonderful it is to wake up next to my best friend every morning. And so very, very thankful that he asked me to share this journey with him. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If you've said these things to me, I'm not going to tell you "it's okay". But I do forgive you. These things hurt. They make me angry. They make me sad. They make me cry. The responses I'm giving here are the things I wish I could say to someone's face. But I can't. My hope is that by posting these here (in the blunt and rude response that goes through my head when I hear them), that I can save a few other stepmoms from having to deal with them. Maybe by giving an honest view of what it looks like and feels like from where I am will help you understand a little more of what stepmoms go through on a daily basis.  I wish I could tell you how often I hear these things. But if I try to estimate you'd likely just assume I was exaggerating. Unless of course you ARE a fellow stepmom. In which case you'd know I'm not exaggerating, because you're living this life, too.  

And lest you think I've gone all hormonal and rude on you, I plan to follow up with a list things TO say to stepmoms. Things a few very precious people have said to me that made my load lighter and my heart happy and encouraged.