It's Changing - FAST

Wow. So much has changed in the last few weeks (okay, months), it's hard to know where to start blogging. I guess I'll just give the nutshell version for now, and fill in as I can later perhaps.

First off, the biggest news... I'm pregnant. I'm about 11 weeks or so along now (due date is April 22) and everything seems to be going well. Our midwife seems pleased with all the numbers from the bloodwork, and although I haven't been able to hear a heartbeat or feel Little Bean move yet, this pregnancy seems different somehow - better. I have been HORRIDLY sick with this one. Whoever called it "morning sickness" needs to be shot. ;-) It's more like all-day sickness. And it seems to typically get far worse around the time when I need to be fixing dinner, which is highly inconvenient. Just within the last week though it has started easing up some. I'm grateful. It was really draining. Still not feeling terrific, but decidedly better than three weeks ago. 

Not that anyone but me would even notice this, but... the fact that my due date is the day after I miscarried our first is kind of weirding me out. But who knows?... maybe I'll end up having the baby on the 21st, and have reason to not hate the day so. 

The boys seem to be doing really well with it. PC and I could tell there was some apprehension at first, but we're trying to be really open with communication and assure them that their own space and toys and artwork will be guarded. LM got tears in his eyes at one point and said something about "it would take a lot of adjustment." We agreed that yes, it would, because any time you add a member to the family there is a lot of adjusting for everyone. But not all adjusting is bad. And I reminded them that all four of us have been through HUGE adjustments in the last year and a half. Because of a younger cousin that is totally out of control, they have a very bad taste in their mouth about young children. We've tried to assure them that Little Bean will NOT be allowed to just take over their things - that it's good to share when possible - but that simply by reason of the age differences, there will many, many things they are allowed to do that Little Bean will not. I reminded them of a little gal in our church (a younger sister of LM's best friend) who is very sweet and quiet and plays well with her older siblings (and their friends) and reminded them that how a child turns out is largely due to how parents raise them. If they are allowed to throw fits and get their own way in everything, then yes, they will be a brat. But I asked them if they thought THEY were brats when they were little, and they said probably not usually. I reminded them that their dad had been a good parent and not allowed them to throw fits and such, and wouldn't do that with the new little one. They nodded, and it seemed to reassure them somewhat. Since that conversation I've been picking up a growing excitement from them. And we've had other good discussions about how they will likely end up being heroes to Little Bean, or at the very least, be totally cool, and Little Bean will likely try to copy them and follow them and want to do everything they do. Because of the huge age difference that won't always be possible, but I told them that often we'll be able to find alternatives for Little Bean. For instance, if BB is doing his artwork and Little Bean tries to come "help" him, we can give Little Bean crayons and paper of his/her own. That way, he/she will still be near big brother, and feel included, but won't be messing up his work. They sort of chuckled at that, but I think it helped. I hope it helped.

I'm struggling with fear over bonding with this baby. I WANT to love it. I WANT to be able to enjoy being pregnant. I WANT to have fun picking out little clothes and setting up the nursery. But I'm afraid. After dealing with so much loss this year, I'm afraid to let myself get attached to something so small and helpless, I guess.  I'm working on that. As a friend reminded me, this baby deserves to be loved with my whole heart, for whatever length of time God gives him/her to us.

PC had the opportunity to get more training at his job last week. This new training will qualify him for a different position that will pay a little more, and one of the supervisors encouraged him to get this training because they said he's pretty much guaranteed a promotion as soon as one of those positions becomes available. With the baby coming it would be lovely to have a little extra coming in each month. Praying about that. 

For now, we're planning on using the midwives at a birthing center nearby. I'm completely terrified at the thought of giving birth in a hospital. Partly because of my miscarriage experience, and partly because I think they would force me into a position where a c-section would be necessary. Even if for no other reason than that they won't allow you to eat anything in the hospital when you're in there for labor and delivery. At the birthing center I can eat whenever (and whatever) I want. And for someone like me who struggles with low blood sugar issues anyhow, that's a really big issue. I do NOT want a c-section. And if I haven't been allowed to eat for hours and hours, there is no possible way I would be able to push a baby out. Period. I want to give myself and our baby the best chance for having a natural birthing experience. 

I've done a fair bit of research regarding this particular birthing center and have yet to talk to a single person who has used them that had even one small negative comment to make. Everyone I have spoken to regarding the midwives and the center itself has had nothing but good things to say about them. And so far, I REALLY everything I'm seeing there. The midwives have been really really good to me.