It's Terrifying - Or WAS

The short version is: I miscarried last Saturday.

If you want the long version, keep reading.

A couple months ago I had suspected I could be pregnant, mainly due to the fact that one morning I took a sip of my coffee and went "Ew, yuck!" That seemed really strange, since I generally really enjoy coffee... and also since I had heard a couple stories from women whose first clue they were pregnant was the "Ew, yuck!" factor when sipping their coffee. But I brushed the thought aside, because what with dealing with all the weird abdomen issues for months, and being on that anti-inflammatory diet, and various other stresses... well, I just ignored it. Looking back, I'm seeing that I ignored a lot of things I should have paid more attention to. But at the time, it just seemed like with all the stress and well, just STUFF, I was dealing with, there seemed to be explanations or reasons for all kinds of things. Now I wish I had paid more attention. Not that I could have changed one thing, but still. It leaves me with a really weird feeling. Especially knowing that I was taking medication at the time that pregnant women aren't supposed to take. I'm fighting the feeling that I aborted my own baby. I know with my head that I didn't, but still, the niggling feeling is there.

Last Friday we had a lovely relaxing day. Which I now believe God gave to me as a special gift, knowing what I would be facing the next evening.

Saturday morning I woke up with a huge amount of energy, felt better than I have in weeks. Okay, months. I figured it was from finally being able to be out in the sunshine and all. Now I realize it was the "nesting instinct" kicking in before my body went into labor. In any case, I tackled all kinds of projects that day. Extra loads of laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. Things beyond what my energy levels this year have typically allowed. (Memo to self: DO NOT get halfway involved in ten projects next time the nesting instinct kicks in. Just do one thing at a time, and complete it!)

That afternoon about 3:30 or so I started cramping. Didn't really think anything of it at first, because, after all, my whole body has been messed up this year. But it quickly started becoming much, much worse. By the time 4:30 rolled around, I was in the worst pain I've ever had in my life. The weird thing was, it seemed like the severe pains were getting closer and closer together, almost like what I'd always imagined it would be like during contractions. CONTRACTIONS?!?!?! And it hit me like a ton of bricks EXACTLY what was happening. And I knew I had been pregnant. And I knew my baby was gone. And I knew my body was trying to get rid of it.

I couldn't breathe right from the pain, and started hyperventilating. I called my mom and asked her to pray for me, told her I was having severe pain and couldn't breathe right. (It seems dumb now that I didn't tell her precisely what was happening, but I think I was so far into shock by this point that I wasn't thinking clearly.) She said she'd come. Since they live about 20 minutes away it felt like it took forever until I heard her and my sister at the door. Here is when I started seeing God's timing on things. When mama walked in, I was in the middle of the worst contraction yet and was hyperventilating so badly that my hands and feet were drawing up like a stroke victim's. And I realized with horror that if she hadn't walked in just then and called 911 for me, I would have been completely incapable of calling them myself.

The EMT's were fabulous. They let my sister ride with me in the ambulance, and even made me laugh on the way to the hospital, in spite of the severe pain.

PC was still at work while all this was going on, and no one could get a hold of him until he got off work shortly after 6pm. (Yay for jobs where you can't answer your phone. I've always had a fear that if I really needed to get a hold of him during the day that I wouldn't be able to.) 

To be honest, I didn't even need the doctor to tell me what his verdict was. I already knew. But even so, it still was a shock to hear in the same sentence that yes, I had been pregnant, and no, I wasn't now.

They couldn't tell me how far along I was. I wish they could have. But my hunch is that I was pregnant about 2 1/2  or 3 mo. ago, that the baby died very soon, and that my body has been trying to expel it ever since.

We were finally able to go home around 11pm. All I wanted to do was go lie down in my own bed, have PC hold me, and fall asleep. 

Here again, I see the way God worked out the timing for me. PC was off work on both Sunday and Monday, so he was able to stay with me and take care of me. And my mom offered to keep the boys, so we had two days just the two of us. And in spite of feeling like I'd been run over by a truck, and wishing it could have been under other circumstances, I did really enjoy being able to have him to myself for two day. Just being together was lovely. And no pressure to have to do or say anything.

I've had an absolute outpouring of love expressed in the last few days, from phone calls and texts, to emails and Facebook messages, to all kinds of offers to help. 

I hope I NEVER have to face something similar again. But it's nice to know what wonderful family and friends I am surrounded by when the bad times hit.