It's a Place With No words

Sometimes the place where I'm at has no words. Lately it's been that way a lot. Or perhaps it's not that there aren't words... it might be that there are too many. And sorting through them to find the ones worth keeping is challenging. Either way, blogging about some things is difficult. But tonight I'm going to try to find the words. There might not be many. Or there might end up being too many. We shall see.

The thing is, the stress load ballooned again. Hugely. Here are a few of the highlights of the "why":

- A good friend in a neighboring town was in and out of the ER last week.

- One of my best friends is due to have a baby any day and is having some complications.

- It looks like my little Nana may be going home to heaven soon.

- PC's job has about three (huge) elements of stress going on right now. One of which is sexual harassment from a female co-worker.

- Several people in my family are dealing with ongoing health issues that no one in the medical field seems to be able to do anything about.

- My own health issues are still here.

- All the drama and pain and questions surrounding biomom's grand idea of having the boys for the summer.

- The financial thing... well, let's just not even go there for now.

- The behavior issues with BB, which you already read about here.

- Other stuff that I can't really talk about even on an anonymous blog.

Honestly, I feel very alone right now. And helpless. Even PC hasn't been able to "be there" for me much lately. Oh, he tries. And he does sweet things like bring me hot tea in the evening when he's home. Or give me a hug when I need one - when he's around. But that's just it... with mandatory overtime going on for the last three weeks straight, we haven't really spent much time together. And when he IS home, he's not really home. 'Cause he's carrying his own stresses right now. And seems to be finding it very difficult to engage with either me or the boys lately. I see him making efforts. But I think he's as lost in the fog as I am right now.

The other night he pulled me close in a big hug and said that the storm could rage around us, but we weren't going to let it come between us. Which was very sweet, and I agree whole-heartedly. But even so, I don't feel very connected to him right now. It seems like every single time we make plans to try to have some couple time (even if it's just leaving the house for an hour to grab coffee somewhere) something happens that prevents it. That, or he forgets, or just plain doesn't feel like going out. Sometimes I'm not sure which it is. And I refuse to turn into one of those nagging, emotionally needy, clinging sort of wives that we all despise. So I don't bring it up. But I miss him. I miss chatting. I miss laughing. I miss walking. I miss just BEING with him.

And that whole scenario leaves me often feeling like I'm facing all the other stresses alone. The parenting stuff. The financial stuff. The grieving stuff.

Sometimes I just want to escape. If only for a couple of hours. A couple of hours where all the problems would disappear. All the stress would leave. And I could enjoy the sunshine again. The quietness. The peaceful joy. The rushing river. The breeze in the trees. The birds chirping. That all seems like such a far off dream. I think it's been about three years since I've been able to go on a hike. That's shocking to me. But I can't remember any hikes more recent than that. For a gal who is refreshed, renewed, re-energized by nature... well, it's no wonder I feel on the border of insanity.

The few stresses that I listed at the beginning of this post each have their own (big) story. Each one deserves an entire blog post all its own. But that's where I run out of words. And where my brain has stopped processing. There's too much going on for me to handle. And I don't know how to deal with it.

Earlier today a dear friend called me from another state. Just to chat. To check in with me. I tried to briefly tell her about these things. I didn't want to dwell on them. But I knew she wanted to know about what was really going on in my life. So I gave her the nutshell versions, and tried to not even go into the emotions attached to each one of them. But she heard through it anyway. I got a text message from her after we hung up, saying that she was concerned because of the stress she heard in my voice. Really? And here I thought I was hiding it pretty well. She asked if there was someone local I could leave my kids with, if only for a couple of hours so I could have some alone time to regroup. (The only gal I could think of who might is the gal whose husband was in and out of ER last week. And there's no way I'm adding to her stresses. Hers are even bigger than my own.) The next few text messages from my friend made something click in my own head. I've been holding it together. I thought. I've been trying to "be there" for everyone. And I guess I've mostly succeeded. But my friend called me on it. She recognized that the volcano is going to erupt if I don't find an outlet soon. And what shook me up is... she's right. She's absolutely right. I thought I was holding it together well. But maybe holding it together isn't a good thing sometimes. It suddenly clicked that while I've been trying to "be there" for everyone else, and hold in the tears, and keep a smile on my face, and make people laugh, and keep encouraging everyone around me who is discouraged... it suddenly clicked that

I'M NOT OKAY.

I'm grieving.

I'm hurting.

I'm lonely.

I'm scared.

I'm confused.

But mostly... I'M NOT OKAY.

It took a friend to make me realize the lie I've been telling everyone - including myself. I'm thankful she gave me a wake-up call and challenged me on it. (Gently, but still, it was a challenge.) Because I don't want to be a volcano that erupts all over everyone I love most. Volcanoes are destructive. And somehow I have got to find a way to deal with the stress right now without spewing everywhere. I don't really know how. But I figured the first thing was to be honest with myself - and you.

So now you know.

One more thing: 
What time I am afraid... or anxious... or worried... or unsure... or intimidated... or bewildered... or in pain... or sad... or helpless... I will put my trust, my confidence, my hope in God.

And now you know that, too.