It's When I Feel Inadequate

We've been having significant behavior issues with BB lately. I'm not sure if it's a knee-jerk reaction to the possibility of spending the summer with his mom (did I forgot to tell you about that lovely drama??), or what the deal is. But it's been getting worse. And unfortunately, with PC working so much overtime lately I'm the one who primarily has to deal with it. 

The two main problems (which are tied up in knots with each other) are passive aggression and just plain ignoring instructions and/or assignments. NOT. O. KAY.

The passive aggressive stuff is ongoing, about everything (I do mean everything), all day, every day. And while that may be a bit of an exaggeration, it's not too far off. I'm drained from dealing with it. It's the constant wearing, constant feeling of battle, constant wariness - because I don't know where or when or how the next episode will show up, nor whom it will be aimed at. LM isn't intimidated by it (which is good), but for the sake of being a peacemaker (a good thing) he gives in to BB far too often (a bad thing).

But the ignoring instructions and assignments thing... *rips hair out*... I will NOT allow this to continue. It's going to stop. NOW.

I had briefly mentioned in this post that he'd neglected to do a school assignment - just because he didn't want to do it. (The only excuse he could seem to come up with was that it was difficult and so he'd given up. Needless to say, that didn't fly well here. PC wanted to know why he hadn't asked for clarification or help on the assignment, and he had no answer at all.)

Well, it happened again. More accurately, it's happened multiple times. But usually it's been small things, and because our schedule has honestly been crazy this year, I've tried to extend grace and not be too uptight about it. (I've neglected things I should have done too, just because of the schedule we're keeping.) I know it's difficult to juggle everything. It is for all of us. But it is quickly becoming apparent that he CAN find time to do anything he WANTS to do. And that certain assignments (particularly if it involves memorization and/or writing) he will just plain NOT DO if he doesn't feel like doing it. Like I said... NOT. O. KAY.

So. Wednesday night when we picked PC up from work (right before church) I briefly whispered to him (where BB couldn't hear) that we had yet another issue along the same lines as before, and that the three of us needed to have a chat together after church. I had thought about trying to just address it myself, but BB is getting way too big for his britches, and I felt like I needed PC's support and help on this one. 

I had a lot to say to BB that night. Here are a few of the main things:

-Disobedience is inexcusable

-I've tried to keep homeschooling fun, as much as I can - even to the point of allowing them to choose certain topics to study

-He is taking advantage of the options I do give him, and if the behavior does not stop immediately, I will start running school like a military school

PC had a lot to say to him, too. But the main idea was:

-Assignments are not optional

-He WILL do the assignments I give him, and he WILL do them by the time they are due

We had some questions too:

-Why did he not do the assignment? ("I don't know.") 

-What did he think the result was going to be - since we obviously would find out eventually, and obviously wouldn't just ignore it or let it go? ("What's happening right now.")

-What did he think a fair consequence would be? (*blank look* I figured the consequence would be chatting about it - what we're doing now.")

-Uhhh... you figured the consequence would be TALKING about it? Sorry. This is just chatting about the issue with you. What do you think the CONSEQUENCE should be? (He couldn't come up with any answer at all.)

Since he couldn't come up with one thing that he thought would be a reasonable consequence, and (as PC put it) make up for his poor choices in wasting both his time and my time as his teacher, we told him that we would come up with a fitting consequence and let him know what it would be.

That's the hard part. Every child responds differently to different consequences. I already knew that assigning extra writing assignments or extra kitchen cleanup wouldn't solve a thing. He'd hurry through it, do a sloppy job, and that would be the end of that. With no behavior change. Grounding wouldn't work. I have to force him to go outside and get fresh air as it is. Taking away privileges wouldn't really work. It's not like he carries a cell phone or uses an ipod. I knew we had to come up with something that had "teeth" in it - something that would be very distasteful to him - something very unpleasant. I told PC that under the circumstances, since BB had chosen to waste my time as his teacher, that I felt like a fitting consequence would be something to, in a sense, redeem time for me. He agreed. But what?

We finally settled on something. BB would clean the bathroom. From top to bottom. 

In some random conversation about household chores a few weeks back, he had let it be known that he despised the thought of cleaning bathrooms, and that he never wanted to do it.

BINGO.

So. After completing his full load of schoolwork today, he cleaned the bathroom. From top to bottom. (You should have seen the faces he made and the twitches of his nose. But he didn't say one word of complaining out loud.) And he also did the incomplete assignment. From start to finish. (Something he had originally had an entire week to work on.) Needless to say, he didn't get much free time today.

However, his attitude this afternoon has been immensely improved. Maybe we're onto something here. And maybe I've been too "nice" about things, and am going to have to get tougher. I don't want to get mean or harsh. But apparently I'm going to have to do SOMEthing different. Because this behavior is going change. Starting now.