It's Still a Mystery

Some years back I realized that I had let other people define me to the point that I wasn't sure who I really was. "They" said I was loud. "They" said I was outgoing. "They" said I was a hard worker. "They" said I was good with kids. "They" said I was always upbeat and positive. "They" said I was moody. "They" said I was calm and stable. "They" said I was faithful and dependable. "They" said I was decent with music, but still had a long way to go. "They" said that I had a gift with music, and if I really applied myself I could be playing with the symphony and doing solo concerts if I liked. "They" said I was unbelievably patient. "They" said I was impatient and abrupt. "They" said I came across as a snob. "They" said I was friendly and caring. "They" said I needed a degree in order to support myself. "They" said I didn't need a degree as long as I really knew what I was doing.

See the problem? It all depended on what "they" I listened to that became the definition of who I believed myself to be.

So I set out to change it. I decided to do some serious introspective analyzing, and figure out which of those things were actually ME. I attempted to start from the assumption that I knew nothing about myself - nothing about what really made me tick. Much easier said than done, of course.

Some things I discovered rather rapidly. For instance, while one of my biggest passions is music, I probably won't ever be a concert pianist - shockingly enough (at least to me) not because I couldn't be good enough, but because I wasn't willing to sacrifice everything else about my life in order to become that. And that was a real revelation to me. Because I'd believed most of the negativity and me and music.

Other things took a number of years for them to really click into place. Like one that finally "snapped" recently. I am NOT an extrovert. Contrary to popular opinion, I really hate being in the spotlight. I don't like making friends. I mean, I like making friends, but I don't like MAKING friends. I despise small talk. I'd rather spend an hour with a close friend than all day with a crowd of people. I'd rather spend all day with a close friend than fifteen minutes with a crowd of people. Really.

Some things about myself I realized - and fought for, in a sense. When people tried to pressure me to do exactly what my grandma had done with her life (especially as the years went on and I was still single - just like her) I adamantly insisted that I wasn't interested in following in her steps. This seemed to shock them. But I didn't want the spotlight. I didn't want to be "famous". I didn't want to travel so much that no where really felt like home. And I most certainly did not want to speak in front of crowds. Oddly enough, I'm not exactly scared of speaking in front of crowds. It's not a stage fright issue. It's an I-don't-want-to-do-that-with-my-life issue. And when people try to push me into something I don't want to do I can get pretty feisty. That happened a number of times over this issue. I'm guessing a few people have a fairly low opinion of me as a result.

Some things about myself I had always known, but tried to force myself to change to please someone else. For example, I HATE charts. Lists I can deal with. But only the kind of lists that are somewhat haphazard, make them as you go, with no confining prioritizing numbers beside them. Daily chore charts when I was a child... I still twitch remembering. My mother was an avid list and chart maker. I despised them. Her way of doing life always felt so confining, so restricting, so predictable, so... utterly unattainable. And every so often (usually when I'd missed an appointment or realized some cleaning and organizing was way overdue) I would create detailed lists and charts - with all the annoying prioritizing numbers and categories - and try to become her. I got really, really, REALLY good at making lists and charts. I'm still really good at making lists and charts. But they don't work for me. I'll make them, but then I'll forget to read them. Or follow them. But I always hate them.

Some things I am only beginning to suspect. For instance, I've always wanted to be a wife and mom - a full-time homemaker. Except that I'm beginning to suspect that may not be enough for me. I genuinely love having my small side-business. Oh, it doesn't bring in much money. Not much at all. But I get great satisfaction out of each sale, each happy client. Do I want a full-time job and to leave the full-time homemaking behind? Not a chance. But I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I can find a somewhere-in-between point that suits me quite well.

Becoming a stepmom has forced me to reevaluate who I am in a whole new way. AM I as impatient as some people said I was? I hardly think so. There's no counting the number of times I am left growling and fuming inside, thinking words that can't be spoken. Sometimes towards BB and LM, sometimes towards the people who made them who they are, and sometimes even towards my husband. AM I a hard worker? Yes, but not always because I want to be. And I'm finding that I do better in the long run when I allow myself to take some time just for me.

I want to breathe again. But lately, the only times when I really feel like I have enough oxygen - enough space in my life - is when it's just PC and me, and there is no noise, no distractions, nothing. Just us. Together. Quiet. Or even quietly chatting. Those moments are rare. But I treasure every one of them.

It's still a mystery who I really am. I can tell you a few things about myself. I can tell you some things I like, or don't like. I can tell you some things I do well, and things I really stink at. But there's still something missing. Even to me. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it's a spiritual hunger for God (which is definitely a relationship I need to be putting more effort into) or if it's something I'm still not understanding about myself.

I know I don't want to be my grandma.

I know I don't want to be my mom.

I know I don't want to be my cousin.

Not because I don't like those women - I do. Not because I don't highly respect those women - I do. Not because I don't think I could learn something from those women - I can, and do. All the time.

But.

I want to be me.

The woman God created me to be.

I just don't know who she is yet.