It's Thought Provoking

And humbling.

Since the miscarriage, women have come out of the woodwork to share their own stories with me. Some of them have told their stories to others already. Some of them told me they hadn't shared their story with anyone else. Or with very few. But they all wanted me to know I wasn't alone, that they were praying for me, and grieving with me. So humbling. And makes me so grateful for the women I am surrounded by. Not surrounded in the sense of them being close by, but surrounded in the sense of them impacting my life for good, and making me feel enveloped by love.

One friend in particular wrote me a letter two days after my miscarriage to tell me her story, and to share hope with me. Since I was still in the midst of a dense mental fog on the day I received it, a lot of her letter didn't "stick", and I knew I would want to go back and re-read it later (maybe many times) as I worked my way out of the fog. But one statement in particular did stick. And I thought about it quite a lot during the days I was in bed, and still more once I started getting back on my feet, and yet more as the fog started to clear in spots. Just so you'll understand the context, this friend has had two children since her own miscarriage.

The statement was this:

     "Where [my daughter's] birth proved that I COULD carry life, [my son's birth] seems to have proved that I can also nurture it. For me there is a difference. He's teaching me how to love [my daughter] more, and not be so scared of myself as a mother. I'm a better mother to the living because of the lost one."

 Not only did she offer me hope that one miscarriage doesn't mean I will never have a baby to hold, but she held out hope to me that I can be a better mother for having gone through this. I'm not certain I can communicate why this statement impacted me so strongly, but it somehow freed me. It gave me the hope that while the pain is intense right now, that one day I will be able to pull good from this, to be a better person from this, a better mother from this. That while this has (and will continue to) impact me hugely, it does not have to DEFINE me.

That statement from my friend was probably the number one thing that has helped me process everything so far. 

Her closing statement in the letter (and SO many other notes I received along a similar line) were what made me feel surrounded by love...

     "Lots of time has helped with perspective. Allow yourself time to mourn, but also let it enrich your present blessings. Life is a miracle, and the sheer volume of miracles surrounding us doesn't make them any less miracles, but we forget.
      You need time to yourself, but you also have to keep open to others to heal. I learned this the hard way, and it cost me precious healing time.
      This little glimpse into what could have been will always be bitter sweet. If I ever looked back in life and saw where God held me, this is one of them. I believe that He holds you too. I wish I had more to offer. I'm mourning and weeping with you. I would like to even be able to give you a hug, but I can't. So I place you daily in His arms and pray for His peace."

Thank you, my friend(s). I won't name you here for the sake of privacy, but you know who you are. And only God knows how grateful I am for your support and love.

Oh, and regarding looking for miracles around us... I'm looking. And I'm finding them. I'm finding them in BB's maturity the last two weeks, the way he has stepped up the plate and helped me in SO many ways. I'm finding them in God's provision. I'm finding them in the assistance of strangers at the hospital. I'm finding them in my marriage. I'm finding them in the smiles of a baby I borrow at church when I need baby snuggles, and in his parents who love me. I'm finding them in the friends who drive to my house to have tea - just because. I'm finding them in the offer of a friend to clean my bathroom. I'm finding them in my mom's offer to have us to lunch on the day I have to do a big grocery shopping trip. I'm finding them in my brother's phone calls. I'm finding them in the realization that the statement I have always made about relationships being the most important thing in life is more true than I even realized.

I'm finding them, my friend. I'm finding them.