It's a Similar Story Repeated

A mom. Yet not a mom. 

In dealing with becoming a stepmom, I've struggled with the whole "I'm a mom, but I'm not a mom" thing. Something almost every stepmom deals with, from what I understand. Well, except those stepmoms who also have bio kiddos.

And now, because of the miscarriage, I'm facing the same thing all over again. But this time... this time, I really AM a mom. It's just that I never got to hold my baby. Never got to see it. Didn't even really know for sure that it was THERE - until it wasn't. 

And it feels like I don't even have any "proof" that I AM a mom. Because it's not like I even have an ultrasound image of my baby. All I have is the hospital band from my wrist, and the elastic bandage thing from my IV. That's not exactly "proof" I was pregnant. 

I'm a mom. But not. 

I mean, I AM a mom. But there's nothing to show for it. So it feels like there isn't even an acknowledgment that my baby ever existed.

I don't even really know why I'm writing about this. Because I can't even find the words to explain like I wish I could. Except that... perhaps another mom who has miscarried will read this and realize she's not alone in her feelings and struggles with this one.

I've heard several stories lately of moms who miscarried having a memorial service of sorts for their baby. Or even some sort of private ceremony/remembrance/something to give themselves the space to grieve, to acknowledge the death of something - someONE - so tiny, so fragile. So precious. On one hand I wish I could do something like that. It feels weird to be grieving a death that happened so privately, so quietly, that not even the person carrying that life knew when it happened. Only what happened after that death. But at the same time, attempting to have a memorial service (or remembrance, or whatever) for a life that no one knew about seems... almost ludicrous.

But regardless of whether others knew of the life... I'm grieving the death. And having "closure" (whatever that stupid word means in real life) doesn't really seem possible right now.