It's a Lot to Catch Up On

I've been too busy lately to blog as much as I would have liked. But most of the busy things have been good things, and that's been nice. :-) This post will be rather random because I want to write about several things which are not really related.

First off, our vehicle has been having MAJOR issues - as in, overheating every. single. time we drive it. And it only takes a mile or two for this to happen. And (while PC was at work and I was driving it) had to have it towed TWICE in the space of about three weeks. In the words of our mechanic: "It's only God Himself keeping that car on the road." Okaaaayyyy then. Since we've been a one-car family almost since the beginning of our married life, this news has been very concerning to me. PC has to have a way to get to work. And because of the horrendous way it was acting when we were driving - and with me having to get it towed twice - I was starting to border on panic attacks every time I would get into the car. No, I mean real panic attacks. It felt exactly like what happened right before the miscarriage when I was hyperventilating. Really scary. I would try to FORCE myself to breathe correctly, but it took about everything in me to turn the key and drive out of the driveway. (For the record, I'm not generally a 'fraidy-cat. And I've definitely never had a problem with panic attacks. I don't know how much of this stuff was caused by hormonal/physical stuffs, or grief, or whatever, but it was quite unpleasant to deal with.) Anyhow, God provided a beautiful mini-van ('93 Dodge Caravan) for us that appears to have been very well taken care of, both visible things and under the hood. I'm really enjoying it! PC has still been driving vehicle #1 to work and back, which makes me nervous, but I didn't ask him to leave the van for me and he's chosen to drive the other vehicle every day this week. I guess that's a decision he'll have to make until we figure out what we're going to do long-term - either get vehicle #1 fixed, get a different (2nd) vehicle, or remain a 1-car family. 

The boys spent several days at youth camp, and came home with all kinds of tales. But they also had great things to say about the services, so apparently they were paying attention to the important things, too. ;-)

While they were gone, I got to spend a whole day with my mom - just the two of us! It was fabulous. We haven't been able to do that for a really long time, and it was wonderful to just be able to talk freely with her about anything and everything, and mosey through shops, and laugh and giggle, and drink coffee, and eat a doughnut, and... oh, all the things moms and daughters do together. But one of the biggest memory-makers from the day has to do with the miscarriage. I had mentioned to mom that it feels like there isn't even an acknowledgment that my baby ever existed and that I would like to find some small item that I could put up in my house as kind of a memory of my Tiny One. Not something that I would even have to explain to everyone what it was, or why, but something just for me and PC to have to remember our first baby. I also told mom that at some point in the last few weeks, I had realized that I almost always think of my baby when I see butterflies. I guess because butterflies are beautiful, and small, and flit away from you. But then (as I was reading other blogs by women who have miscarried) I realized quite a few women use a butterfly as symbolism for a baby they've lost. And I wasn't sure I wanted to have the same thing as "everyone else." Mom said that shouldn't stop me from using a butterfly as my memory keeper. After all, the symbolism was mine before I read about anyone else's. But that shouldn't matter to me anyway, she said. And suddenly I knew she was right. And then... as we're moseying through shops and having fun together, I spotted these butterfly plaque things that had inspirational quotes/sayings on them. And one of them had a quote about hope. What few people know is, PC and I had talked about naming a little girl "Hope" someday. When I pointed the plaque out to mom, and started to explain, I started crying. So here I am standing in the middle of the store, trying to explain to mom why I suddenly wanted THAT plaque to be my memory keeper. It took mom about .2 seconds to realize the significance to me, and she picked it up and went and bought it for me. But, as she says, it is both about the baby we lost, and about the future things God has for us. The quote is "Hope will give you wings." 

The boys seem to be doing pretty well. They're growing, and changing, and learning new things. Not always as quickly as I might wish, but then... I'm an idealist. And I only have to think about what they were like a year ago to realize just HOW far we've already come. The difference is huge. And a lot of the frustrating things we're dealing with right now is mostly just teen-guy stuff - not blended family stuff. Stuff like not wanting to take showers as often as they need them, and wearing dirty clothes instead of putting them in the hamper. 

Another "first" happened for BB on the 4th of July. His latest obsession is horses, and while we were waiting for the parade to start, he suddenly realized there were horses across the street behind a hedge of sorts. And he asked for permission to cross the street to go look at them. Mind you, he NEVER wants to be out of sight of me or his dad when we're out and about. Even asking him (or LM) to get something from around the corner in the grocery store can send him into grunting panicked unhappy-land. And he ASKED to be allowed to go across the street BY HIMSELF. On one hand it makes me sad that a 14-year-old would be so hesitant about everything that just crossing a small-town street by himself required asking permission. But on the other hand... I see this as another BIG step forward. He's learning confidence. And yes, it's a confidence he should have had at age 10 or so. But still. He's growing.